Zoongash stood in solitude on the corner of Main St. slurpping away on the curried noodles from Chan's, trying to warm his body from the cold. Although it was cold, the sun shone brightly in the cloudless sky and it was this, which had prompted Zoongash to leave his stuffy liquor store and get some fresh air. The steaming bowl of ramen was the closest thing to a good curry that Zoongash could find. How he missed the spice of Alia's curry. Zoongash let out a sigh as he thought of the one and only woman he had ever loved. It was not often that Zoongash allowed himself to be so vulnerable by exposing his emotions, but his eyes began to glisten as he pictured her beautiful face. He began to think about how different his life would be had he not lost-
"Bloody chink! Look what you've done," yelled Zoongash as he looked down to see the remainder of his curried noodle splattered all over his shirt.
A Chinese man in a Yankees hat had ran into Zoongash as he rushed around the corner, causing Zoongash to spill his bowl of noodles.
"Excuse me, I am very sorr-," the Chinese man paused in his apology. "What did you call me?"
"You heard me you bloody chink! Watch where you are going chutia," replied Zoongash as he futilely began to try to wipe off some of the curry sauce, although most of it had already seeped into his shirt.
"Go to hell you racist prick!" yelled the man as he stormed off down the street and in his rage he did not realize that he stepped on a woman sitting on the sidewalk.
"You bloody Chinese bugger, come back here and feel the back of my hand!" shouted Zoongash as the man continued on his way down the street, giving Zoongash the finger as he did. Zoongash was about to yell out an insult regarding the man's mother, but was cut short as a fire truck screamed by, sirens blaring. Zoongash looked down at his curry drenched shirt and just shook his head. "Bloody city."
The Death scene...
14 years ago
PART ONE
ReplyDeleteI really like how you indirectly interact with Sidda when you cross paths with Lu Garagami.
I can definitely sense that Zoongash "lives in a world that remains foreign to him despite years of living in the US." BUT I don't see a lot of movement. When you reveal pieces of his past like Alia, then make sure these pieces clearly affect his development in the present.
PART TWO
ReplyDeleteHm. I like his accent.
- I like the conversational tone of your posts
ReplyDelete- The development of your character may be more effective for the reader if you could show and not tell your character's emotions such as in the case of: "It was not often that Zoongash allowed himself to be so vulnerable by exposing his emotions." Also, it might help if your character encountered some sort of plot or broadening of setting that might help further display your character's personality.
- I'm pretty positive that my character will encounter yours in the near future due to his occupation.
1. the development of the character is very evident through his speech and the writing is actually very good. i like how you're showing, not telling
ReplyDelete2. i think the story about Alia should be broken up a little more, like mention her curry on post, then think you see her out of the corner of your eye in another...this way you don't give too much away and leave the reader with some curiousity.
3. remember to write with purpose, don't just be obscene to be obscene, but otherwise, very good